On Depression and the Gospel of Jesus Christ

I grew up in a solid gospel home. I was born truly, of goodly parents. I remember my home as a refuge, filled with the Spirit. I think one of the earliest ties to feeling the spirit was with music as well— growing up immersed in it.

I guess you can say I was blessed by the Lord, to have a seeking heart. I joyed in hearing the Gospel from a young age. I would seek it out. I loved Young Women lessons, girls’ camp, devotionals. My heart craved the words of Christ. In college if there was ever a fireside I was always so excited to go. I remember feeling surprised not all of my roommates wanted or were even excited to go to those firesides.

I think we saints love to hear big stories of conversion and big experiences. But more often than not, I think a lot of us don’t have those types of stories to tell. Mine is one of those stories. My testimony was formed drop by drop. I don’t remember one big a-ha moment. I just remember that every time I was taught by a righteous influence, usually my Young Women’s leaders, it felt as though I had a cup that was near empty, and they had filled it almost to the brim or overflowing once the lesson was over. When I was in high school, I remember feeling as if my life truly depended on those weekly fillings of my cup. I was so blessed to be taught by righteous influences.

I became a CNA when I was 16. We’ve been told to strengthen feeble knees.. and there was nowhere I felt I was doing His work more than when I was caring for those widows at that care center. They had Alzheimer’s, and I absolutely loved them. It was hard work but I felt so close to God doing it and that realization pushed me to become a Nurse. I went to the Y and got my degree. I met Josh my last semester there, (on Tinder!). 

I worked at the Huntsman, and we welcomed our first child into the world a few years later. 

As I studied the most recent General Conference talks, I found 23 references to hearing Him. I learned a few things:

-Hearing him is an opportunity, a privilege, a choice, an ability, and something we have to learn

-We need to make the effort 

-In order to hear Him, you must be still.

-Each of God’s children deserves that opportunity.

-His voice is clear in the scriptures.

That last one is one of the most clear ways I learned to Hear him. I LOVED THE SCRIPTURES. I still love them. The Tangible, hold-in-your-hand scriptures is where I get the most filling of my cup. I also love studying the conference talks on paper and not on my phone, writing notes and impressions as I go.

I also learned to Hear Him Through private prayer, I loved to pray aloud as I commuted from work or school. 

I heard His voice in the counsel of loved ones, and especially the testimonies of others. 

However, I have come to learn through hard experience that Hearing Him does not always come so easily. It is truly so personal, and a continual process. I have one major example of this, and so I will touch upon where I left off, the birth of my first child. 

Becoming a mother was one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things of my life. 

It was also absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. 

It felt akin to as one of my closest friends puts it, a train being derailed.

I was struck with debilitating PTSD, anxiety, and eventually, depression. I want to point out that the way I “heard Him” in that time of my life was drastically different than the ways I just described. 

In the words of Jane Clayton Johnson (Her book: Silent Souls Weeping), ”Depression is difficult to describe even when you’ve experienced it yourself.”

Ann Madsen has described it like this: “I couldn’t get out of it. It was like I was in a sack and somebody had tied the top and I didn’t know how to untie it. I couldn’t get out…

I felt like an Etch-A-Sketch. I created this beautiful picture on my Etch-A-Sketch of who I was. Somehow it got shaken. That picture got erased. I was down to nothing.”

I was exhausted. For me it was just a hopeless, dark hole, where even doing the smallest things like washing a baby bottle just really required a ton of effort. I felt broken.

My ability to feel the spirit was cut off, I couldn’t feel anything. This was such a stark contrast to my entire upbringing until that point, where I used to soak up the Voice of The Lord like a sponge. I would come to my meetings with my little empty cup- hold it out feebly, and it would not fill. I would leave my meetings as I started. That was shocking. In a doctrine that promises that the Holy Ghost can be a constant companion, I had never felt so alone. 

I myself bought into the stigma associated with Depression, even as I was experiencing it, even now still, as I stand before you.  “In this Gospel, “we believe in a plan of happiness, not a plan of depression. We’re taught, ‘Men are, that they might have joy’ (2 Nephi 2:25) Depression doesn’t fit readily or comfortably into such a construct.”

My heart takes courage as I learn of those “who in the words of Prophet Joseph Smith, ‘search[ed] .. and contemplate[d] the darkest abyss’ and persevered through it— not in the least of whom were Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and Elder George Albert Smith, the latter being one of the most gentle and Christlike men of our dispensation, who battled recurring depression for some years before becoming the universally beloved eighth prophet and President of the Church.” [Silent Souls Weeping]

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland has said, “…no one can responsibly suggest [depression] would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively.”  

Depression is a disease, not a character defect, or a lack of will, or a spiritual deficit.

Still, I felt like a failure, and found myself trying to square my shoulders and think positively. Maybe if I could do more, then I would be worthy of the spirit. I thought surely, I wasn't reading the scriptures enough. My prayers were not fervent enough. I didn’t go to the temple enough. If I could do more, then I would somehow earn some spiritual enlightenment.

Thank goodness my husband was inspired to find this book, The Power of Stillness, which first few chapters completely changed my life, and my perspective on this “more” mentality. 

It reads,

“Sometimes, following God may actually involve doing less, rather than more, with value in making space for periods of retreat, as Jesus Himself did.”

Instead of 'finishing' a prayer, it can become a sacred practice of personal retreat where we can simply be still, maybe even not saying any words, simply trying to 'rest in His presence as we kneel, in stillness and silence,' remembering that we are His. 

Instead of 'getting a chapter done,' we can hold scriptural text as an anchor to focus our minds and hearts, and facilitate an ongoing exploration about God’s hand in our lives. 

Instead of checklist items to be done, these can all be thought of as opportunities to be still."

I began to exercise self-compassion, and rely fully on God’s Grace, allowing what I could give in that day, that moment, that hour, be simply enough. This mentality greatly comforted me. 

My recovery was a long one. It took time, medication, blessings, an incredible support system, and focus on nutrition, exercise, and rest. I had to start small, drink enough water. Avoid sugar. Go on a walk. Slowly, I got better. Slowly, I was able to wean off of the medication. I began therapy. I have never looked back. It completely transformed my life. I am so grateful. For a long time I still felt that inability to hear Him and at times I still have to “go through the motions.” I often think of Nephi, "nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. O Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in Thee forever.” I keep trying, and that is enough.

Life is a process.

Lead, Kindly light, amidst the encircling gloom, lead Thou me on, 

the night is dark, and I am far from home, 

lead Thou me on. Keep Thou my feet, I do 

not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me.

-I have to accept in those moments that for the time being, one step is enough for me. 

-The Lord requires your best, and your best changes. That is okay. 

I find so much hope in Paul’s testimony in 2 Corinthians 12: 

“And [the Lord] said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Mostly gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

“Silent Souls Weeping” reads, “It’s okay. It’s okay to be a mess. It’s okay that you dread church. It’s okay that you don’t feel like anybody can relate to you. And it’s okay if every time somebody mentions missionary work you just want to run out of the room and curl up in a ball and cry. It’s okay to live in a place of pain for a time, and if the pain doesn’t go away, that doesn’t mean that you’re not doing your best.”

From Terry & Fiona Givens (Book: The Crucible of Doubt): 

 

Christ works through us as we accept Him and God the Father as the architects and ourselves as the builders. Learning to be vulnerable and show up as we are can be painful, but it fosters humility, teaches us beautiful lessons, and contributes to the building of the kingdom of God.”

“It is not our place to judge. It is our place to love. It is our place to grieve. And it is our place to mourn with those who [mourn]." [Silent Souls Weeping]

I want you to know, we need you, all of you, we love you, God loves you. If you are currently struggling, We want you here, we need you here, living and breathing, even if it is a “broken” you. Especially so! You’re doing the best that you can, and that is enough. 

Elder Holland states (Conference talk: “Be Ye Therefore Perfect… Eventually”):

“Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him … ,” Moroni pleads. “Love God with all your might, mind and strength, then … by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ.”9 Our only hope for true perfection is in receiving it as a gift from heaven—we can’t “earn” it.

The Lord Jesus Christ Himself continued “from grace to grace”15 until in His immortality16 He received a perfect fulness of celestial glory.17 

I echo the words of Elder Holland: "I testify that in this and every hour He is, with nail-scarred hands, extending to us that same grace, holding on to us and encouraging us, refusing to let us go until we are safely home in the embrace of Heavenly Parents. For such a perfect moment, I continue to strive, however clumsily. For such a perfect gift, I continue to give thanks, however inadequately. I do so in the very name of… Him who has never been clumsy or inadequate but who loves all of us who are, even the Lord Jesus Christ."

I know the Lord loves each of us, and consecrates our efforts, no matter how small they may feel. I know my Savior Lives. He is truly full of infinite mercy and grace. He will consecrate our efforts to be like Him! Step by step, Grace by Grace we can return to Him. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Yours Truly, Kait, July 2021