March 18th, 2012: "Break Time"

This week was a much-needed break. A breather, a pause, a time in which I was able to step back and sort of "spring-clean" my attitude. 
This semester has overwhelmed me, and consequently, my motivation has been less than kosher lately. But I was able to go to San Diego, and after doing several service projects with a group of about 21 very remarkable people, I feel so rejuvenated! It was seriously a gift to be able to go relax, have fun, lose myself in service (literally, my mind was finally off of the stress that Anatomy and nursing school has been placing in my life), and just take a break.

After spending time with such a wide variety of people (seriously, we had a pretty diverse bunch of people on this trip, and we all got along so fantastically it was almost weird:), I have been thinking a lot about diversity. I felt so connected to so many people this week. The people we served, and also the incredible people who were on the trip with me. And I was exposed to so much diversity. It was great.

After these first few years of college, it's been strange. Usually you'd expect people to be more extroverted and confident after two years of college, but I felt quite the opposite. The more I learned, the more I was just overwhelmed.  I saw so many people poking fun at the ridiculous things that other people did; I felt judged by others. I met people who were so intelligent, and knew so much, and it just made me feel inadequate, like I should never open my mouth because I don't know as much and I didn't want to embarrass myself. I met people who hated people with positive attitudes, and were not afraid to let me know that they didn't appreciate mine. I started to hold back, keeping to myself. I was afraid, and that fear drove me to be so much less confident in myself than I should have been. And it has been a struggle. It also confused and frustrated me, because wasn't college the time where you were supposed to kind of get over the whole lack-of-confidence thing?

Anyway. I'm rambling, I'm sorry. But I was just struck with gratitude for the diversity of people this week. I met people who were so comfortable in their own skin, and they all had their own opinions. They were not afraid of showing others exactly who they were.  And all of the different personalities fit together perfectly, like some beautiful puzzle. And it just inspired me. And they were all so kind and accepting of me, it just inspired me even more. I realized this (and I know, it's taken me 21 years to figure this out, right...), that it's okay to stand out. To be different. To have different beliefs. A different outlook on life. A different attitude. A different style.
Because those differences are what make this world so fantastic. They add flavor. They make life exciting.  Can you imagine how boring life would be if everyone was just the same? Blegh!

I am grateful for the diversity of this world. I am grateful to live in country where I can embrace that diversity, and express myself and contribute in my very own way.
I'm still figuring out what that exactly entails, but I'm through holding back. My goal is this: to stop being afraid of expressing myself. To stop re-typing and re-thinking everything, to stop trying to impress others and to just be me. I want to embrace the diverseness of others, and accept them exactly as they are.  Because their strengths and their weaknesses and quirks and ideas and opinions are exactly what make this world so great. I am going to be okay with the fact that some people just aren't going to like me, and that's okay. But it's a problem if I don't like me. So that means that I need to be okay with who I am, that I'm not perfect, and that I don't have to pretend that I am.

"Most people never fulfill their human promise and potential because they remain perpetually heplless children overwhelmed by a sense of inferiority. The feeling of being okay does not imply that the person has risen above all his faults and emotional problems. It merely implies that he refuses to be paralyzed by them."


Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the trip...

February 29th 2012: This one is for Mallory. :) "Dear Boys...."

I have been inspired! By two wonderful posts, my roommate's here, and this fabulous blogger, here. Consequently, I felt like writing my own, so here you have it, folks, drum-roll please. Here is a peek into the oh-so-spicy (cough) love-life of me. Lucky you.

Dear Recess,
You were my first crush. Moving schools was about as traumatic as it could get for a 2nd grader. You kissed me on the cheek one day--Harry-Potter style-whilst we were standing in line at recess, and then ran away as fast as you humanely could. I turned bright red and was triumphantly twitterpated. Remember when we used to play house? Those were some good times. Then you grew up and acted super weird. It was never meant to be.
Love, The New Girl

Dear Beach-Shorts,
Oh, those beach shorts were definitely.... unique. And you had really nice hair. I apparently liked those two things enough, and you didn't seem to mind my awkward perm, glasses, and leggings pulled up to high heaven. Those 3 months of tag at recess were fun.
Love, Science geek

Dear Root Beer,
I should have known that ward-romances never end up going well. I liked you for a LONG time. I think you know I'm not exaggerating. I thought it was so romantic that I left that "anonymous" note in your locker one day, but really, it was just grade-A stalker behavior. You used to hit me with your safety-patrol flag while I walked by you across the street. I know you liked me too, because of all that oh so romantic eye-contact we always made, as we stole glances at each other during church and in the halls. But that was really the extent of our relationship. Once I tripped in front of you, and you actually talked to me, asking me if I was okay. I was on cloud nine for weeks. Once I tried to look behind my shoulder to catch a glance at you, and I ran into a garbage can. Awesome.
Love, Grown Up

Dear MSN,
Oh those 2-AM messenger conversations we used to have. And that orange gum? That was pretty much what started it all, in Mrs. Howell's class. Also, the fact that we played duets together was quite romantic. We were a pretty good duo. You were almost my first kiss, but sadly, lover boy was in my life and I had moved on. I'm sorry I turned my head when you tried to kiss me. I'm sorry I backed off and dropped you because you overwhelmed me with your emotional ways. I instantly put you right into the friend zone. Thank you for forgiving me for that. I'm so glad we're still friends.
Love, The Piano Player

Dear Lover Boy,
Why were we so awkward? I am sorry I was too nervous at homecoming to give you a real kiss. It would have been perfect, and you know we both wanted to. But we couldn't even hold hands on the love-sac, even though our hands were pretty much touching. We were both too nervous. Then a few weeks later, as soon as I musted up the courage to kiss you, you instead went ahead and kissed my close friend. That was just classy. I liked you a lot, but was just too shy for my own good. When lover-girl told me you had kissed her, I'll admit, I reacted with a little bit of tearing up. I then immediately had to go take student government pictures for the yearbook. They turned out horrible. I blame you. It took me a long time to get over you, but I succeeded, and now I look back on that whole experience with a smile. I'm also glad we're still friends.
Love, You Missed

Dear Gravedigger,
You were my first boyfriend. You were my first kiss. You wooed me on the first date by dancing the waltz with me. I was flying. You were as close as I'll ever get to choir-tour romance. You got the same job as me just because you thought it would be fun to have a secret restaurant-romance. Well, that was weird.  Our relationship was weird. Why it took so long to get over you will always remain a mystery... I was kind of really hung up on you. Looking back, I see how ridiculous I acted....I'm glad that's over. Also, Avatar is a stupid cartoon. I lied to you that day when I said I was enjoying it. And I own a microwave. Sorry.
Love, Tally-Hall

Dear Guitar,
You fooled us all. And I still get the willies when I think of you. But I do not regret dating you, because I learned how vital communication is in a relationship. "King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles describes to a "T" exactly how I feel about you. You decided to plan my life out for me without my content, which was a stupid idea. You were also manipulative, needy, and controlling. Sorry. I was a college freshman and too shy to figure it out at first. But I thank you for opening my eyes. You are the reason I have such a big bubble. I wish you the best and am so glad you finally found someone. Also, I WILL own a television in my future home, thanks.
Love, Thanks anyway

Dear Sharks,
"Apology muffins" are not going to cut the fact that you totally played me. Also, the girl you chose over me is totally dating someone else right now instead of "waiting" for you to return from your 2-year mission.Woops!
Love, Too Bad

Dear Shvenn,
I have never laughed so hard as I did with you. You are fantastic in so many aspects of the word. I still get butterflies when I see you, which really stinks. I regret not letting you know that I liked you more than a friend when I had the chance. But I was leaving for Ukraine and was kind of focused on other things. You were the first person I felt comfortable singing around, and you made me feel like a million bucks. Sadly, as soon as I started liking you, I put you on a pedestal. This frustrates me like none other, because I can never quite be myself around you anymore, no matter what I do. Now you have a girlfriend. But I'll get over it, because I think she is fabulous. Thanks for still treating me genuinely well even though I act like a goat around you because of that pedestal thing.
Love, Working On It

Dear Ukrainian,
I would have gone for it had I not been scared to get sent home at my own expense. Also, as fun as it would have been to have a fling in another country, I knew it would never have gone anywhere, and that I would have been completely selfish in choosing that. I didn't want to get in the way of you finding someone really perfect for you. Which you did, and just happened to marry this month. CONGRATULATIONS!
Love, Katroosya

Dear Psychology,
You overwhelmed me. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance, but you were controlling from the get-go.
Love, Pre-Nursing

Dear High-five,
I'm sorry I made you cry on Valentine's day. I honestly didn't mean to. I just wanted to be friends.
Love, Heartbreaker?

Dear Chuck,
I love that your voice goes higher when you get nervous. I think you are fabulous.
Love, The Pilot

Dear Musician,
Please, when you ask a girl out in the future, call instead of text. It'll do a world of good.
Love, Uncoordinated

Dear Doctor,
You are fun. I'm excited to see if this goes anywhere.
Love, Loganite

Later...

Spunky

Today I was looking through an old 1941 yearbook with one of the residents, and she was asking me to read a few of the notes that people wrote to her, as she had trouble reading the small, curly handwriting. I happily obliged, and began to read aloud from a very long note in this fancy cursive (sad that cursive is such a dying art). Anyway, I begin reading. (For the sake of the story, we'll just call this resident Meg.)

"Dear Meg... I think you're the tops. You are a really swell girl and I've really loved getting to know you.... "

(Do you not love their slang? tops, swell.. in fifty years our kids are going to be rolling their eyes at the weird slang we have adopted in our generation)

"...I was pretty sad when you said you were going steady, not because I didn't think you were capable, but because I always wanted to go steady with you, and it was sad that you were unavailable. I liked you even more than Nancy, even when I was dating her. After a while I realized she was just like everybody else. But you aren't, Meg. You aren't like all the other girls. You are really swell. And I'm not just saying the same old B.S. that people write in yearbooks..."

(yes, they said B.S. back then, too) 

"....I really mean that. And I know a lot of other guys who feel the same. I am really glad that we are friends, even though I'd like to be more than friends. Just remember you can always come to me for anything.... " 

Oh yes, it got pretty spicy. Turns out Meg was quite the man-killer!

I never doubted. I hope that if I get Alzheimer's, I'm the Meg of the place. She always laughs at her own jokes, sneaks food to the dog under the table, and is just spunky.
Then we of course had to look up his picture. And as soon as I pointed at it Meg said,
"Oh HIM? He's ugly!"
That made us all laugh.  He wasn't even that bad looking. She apparently just had a lot of room to be choosey.

Later as we flipped to the pages, next to some random girl's picture, Meg had written a line across the page pointed to her face and one word. "CROOK!"

I love her. I love them all. I love my job. :)