[fake] blood and guts

So I have this fear of needles.

And I've definitely been working on that since like, the dawn of time.
But it is still very apparent in my life.
It's not even the blood, at all, it's the needles! Ask me why that makes sense.
If I didn't receive confirmation after ridiculous confirmation that I am supposed to be a nurse, it would probably have gotten to me by now. But you take it in baby steps, you know?

Well today we started our first IV's, in this mechanical arm that's got GREAT veins. It looks like a real arm, you use real equipment, you are in a lab that feels like a real hospital room...the only difference is that the arm is hard plastic and feels nothing like a real vein, or real skin! But you know, whatever. We take what we can get.

Truth. EVERY DAY.

Well I kind of freaked out. I have been acting all composed and all that crap this entire week, you know, fake it till you make it? Today I freaked out. It began when I inserted the IV and didn't send the catheter in far enough, so fake blood started spurting out all. over. the place. 
I couldn't get it to stop, and my instructor was like,.... "YEAH Kaitlin! You're doing grea--- oh."

I laughed, and everyone else laughed, and it was all fun and games, but inside, I was still freaking out. It kind of reminded me of the time last semester when we were learning to do some kind of irrigation (I won't go into too much detail, because none of you really want to know, trust me) and I put real soap in the IV bag instead of caster soap. My instructor got a good kick out of that.
I am so excited to look back on my little 22-year-old student-nurse self and laugh. I'm glad God has given me the ability to laugh at myself. Even though I still freak out a lot, it helps.

nursing humor at it's...finest?

So I'm gonna keep practicing. A LOT. And I am gonna think happy thoughts, and tell myself a million times over that needles are not that bad. Because they really aren't, right? They are itty-bitty compared to like fifty years ago, when my parents were kids getting shots with these huge honkin' things. Last semester I freaked out about giving shots, and now it doesn't phase me anymore, so IV's can't be that different, right?
Er. Emphasis on the question mark.

So if you see me around, just give me a hug. You don't even have to mention that you read this. Just give me a little encouraging smile and say, "You're doin' great."

 In the meantime, I'll be in the open lab. Sticking needles in things and drinking a lot of gatorade so as to avoid any feeble knees.

This one is called: my life in a nutshell right now.

Today I stumbled upon this beaut. Please relish in it for this small moment with me, because I think it is so great.

A Day In The Life of a Provo College Girl-- August 26th, 2013

1. Wake up

2. Eat breakfast

3. Get picked up by friend #1

4. Help friend #1 try on wedding dresses 

5. Meet a new friend, #2, a newlywed. who proceeds to tell you all about being a newlywed (and my word people, sometimes even for a student nurse there is just too. much. detail. I needn't expound.)

6. Go home and help friend #3, who happens to be your roommate,  find a venue for HER wedding

7. Find out friend #4 is engaged to someone she met 4 weeks ago

8. Help friend #5 with a ride to her new apartment, the one which her and her soon-to-be-husband will be moving into

9. Comfort friend #6 that nothing is wrong with her, yes she has been dating her boyfriend for 6 months and yes it is perfectly normal and okay to not be engaged by now.

10. Ponder about how much I do not understand this Provo thing and wonder if I ever will

11. Throw a dinner party

12. Break things off with a guy, hate hate hate it, wonder if I'm going to live a defective life by being too picky, conclude that I'm okay

13. Sleep. So deeply.

You guys. Provo has this reputation, see, and I'm starting to see that it's there for a very real 

r e a s o n

!

It's a jungle out there, you guys. J to the U n g l e.

August 18th, 2013: "Words that Inspire me"

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life, and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace; God is awake."
Victor Hugo

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
Charles DuBois

"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."
Greek Proverb

"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things."
-Henry Ward Beecher

"Ladies, place your heart in the hands of God and He will place it in the hands of a man who He believes deserves it."
Unknown

"The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him, he's always doing both."
James A. Michener

"Your body is the harp of your soul. And it is yours to bring forth sweet music from it or confused sounds."
Khalil Gibran

"We were not sent to this world to do anything in which we cannot put our hearts."
John Ruskin

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
C.S. Lewis

"Believe. Believe in your destiny and the star from which it shines. Believe you have been sent from God as an arrow pulled from his own bow.
It is the single universal trait which the great of this earth have all shared, while the shadows are fraught with ghosts who ram the winds with mournful wails of regret on their lips.
Believe as if your life depended on it, for indeed it does."
Richard L. Evans

"I have wondered if I am trying to force a life. While the life I lead may not match the picture in my head, perhaps the one offered me is just as full of joy, its pigments just as bright, just not what I expected."
Richard L. Evans“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one... lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable,irredeemable.”
C.S. Lewis"You have to go whole-heartedly into anything in order to achieve anything worth having."
Frank Lloyd Wright

"Today we're younger than we're ever going to be"
Regina Spektor

“I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
Jon Krakauer

Carlfred Broderick, in his book "My Parents Married on a Dare",  shares this personal experience that took place while he was a stake president:
 
            A woman came to him when he was a stake president for a blessing.  He said:  "I had known this sister for years and in my judgment she had made some very poor life choices.  She had married a handsome, charming young man who initially wasn't a member of the Church but joined the church for her.  She waited a year to marry him and then went to the temple.  It was the last time he ever went to the temple.  I knew he was a flake from the beginning.  It didn't surprise me that he soon returned to many of his pre-church habits.
         There was a great pain for this woman.  A good, good woman, she kept in the church; she kept in the kingdom; she suffered enormous pain because her husband went back to gambling and drinking and other things that were unhappy and unwholesome.  But, the greater pain came when her children, having these two models before them, began to follow him.  They gradually seemed to adopt his lifestyle, values, and attitude toward the Church and toward sacred things.  Although she never wavered from her own faith, her family was slipping away from her.
         As she asked me for a blessing to sustain her in what to do with this awful situation in which she found herself, my thoughts were,  "Didn't you ask for this?  You married a guy who really didn't have any depth to him and raised your kids too permissively.  You should have fought harder to keep them in church rather than letting them run off to racetracks."  I had all those judgments in my head when I laid my hands on her head.  The Lord told her of his love and his tender concern for her.  He acknowledged that he had given her (and that she had volunteered for) a far, far harder task than He would like.  (And, as he put in my mind, a harder task than I had had.  (I have eight good kids, the last of whom just went to the temple.  All would have been good if they had been orphans.)  She, however, had signed up for hard
children, for children who had rebellious spirits but who were valuable; for a hard husband who had a rebellious spirit but who was valuable.  The Lord alluded to events in her life that I hadn't known about, but which she confirmed afterwards.  Twice Heavenly Father had given her the choice between life and death, whether to come home and be relieved of her responsibilities, which weren't going very well, or whether to stay to see if she could work them through.  Twice on death's bed she had sent the messenger away and gone back to that hard task.   She stayed with it.
         I repented.  I realized I was in the presence of one of the Lord's great noble spirits, who had chosen not a safe place behind the lines punching out the ordinances to the people in the front lines as I was doing, but somebody who chose to live out in the trenches where the Lord's work was being done,
where there was risk, where you could be hurt, where you could lose, where you could be destroyed by your love.  That's the way she had chosen to labor.  Then the thought,  "I am unworthy to lay my hands on her head; if our sexes were reversed, she should have had her hands on mine."

family history, covenants, self-mastery, 2013

The new family history service is quite another matter. It deals with loving, caring, feeling ancestors beyond the veil.

Now, Richard Talbot, John Dunkerson, and Abraham Salee are not just names on a slip of paper for me to receive their temple ordinances. These are ancestors I love through temple work. They, in turn, have influenced my life. I find traits displayed in their purposeful lives woven into the fabric of my own character. Begin this work, and you will know why the Lord said, “The hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers.” (D&C 2:2.) Learn why this glorious doctrine has been restored to the earth Richard G Scott

"The world's ancestors are waiting"

It’s always refreshing to read the words of Brigham Young, who seemed always to hit the nail on the head. Listen to him. He is sharp and pointed. He says, “When you raise your hands to heaven and let them fall, then pass onward, your covenants unfulfilled, you will be cursed.” I feel sometimes like severely lecturing men and women who enter into covenants without realizing the nature of the covenants they make and who use little or no effort to fulfill them. With agency one can murder, commit all the moral, sexual sins, steal, lie, use drugs, be unkind; he may hate, envy, swear, or do whatever he would like. One can hate, or one can love. One can curse, or one can bless. One can live in loneliness, or one can be promiscuous. One can help and assist, or one can hinder. One can blaspheme, or one can honor and bless and pray. One can believe in himself, or he can believe in an overall omniscient Being. One can do as he pleases. Free agency is his. Or he can live his life with the great Redeemer as the center of his life.

One can touch a hot wire, but he cannot stave off the certain death that results. One can step in front of a powerful oncoming train, but he cannot set aside the mangling that will follow. One can jump from a skyscraper, but he cannot control the results and save his body from the crushing effects of the fall and the abrupt contact with the hard pavement below.


Jeffery R. Holland: If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait.⁶ Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”⁴ Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.⁵

Russell M. Nelson: Your Heavenly Father has known you for a very long time. You, as His son or daughter, were chosen by Him to come to earth at this precise time, to be a leader in His great work on earth.¹⁹ You were chosen not for your bodily characteristics but for your spiritual attributes, such as bravery, courage, integrity of heart, a thirst for truth, a hunger for wisdom, and a desire to serve others.

You developed some of these attributes premortally. Others you can develop here on earth²⁰ as you persistently seek them.²¹

A pivotal spiritual attribute is that of self-mastery—the strength to place reason over appetite. Self-mastery builds a strong conscience. And your conscience determines your moral responses in difficult, tempting, and trying situations. Fasting helps your spirit to develop dominance over your physical appetites. Fasting also increases your access to heaven’s help, as it intensifies your prayers. Why the need for self-mastery? God implanted strong appetites within us for nourishment and love, vital for the human family to be perpetuated.²² When we master our appetites within the bounds of God’s laws, we can enjoy longer life, greater love, and consummate joy.²³

Dieter F. Ucthdorf:  Another method the adversary uses to discourage us from rising up is to make us see the commandments as things that have been forced upon us. I suppose it is human nature to resist anything that does not appear to be our own idea in the first place.

If we see healthy eating and exercise as something only our doctor expects of us, we will likely fail. If we see these choices as who we are and who we want to become, we have a greater chance of staying the course and succeeding.

If we see home teaching as only the stake president’s goal, we may place a lower value on doing it. If we see it as our goal—something we desire to do in order to become more Christlike and minister to others—we will not only fulfill our commitment but also accomplish it in a way that blesses the families we visit and our own as well.

Often enough, we are the ones who are being helped up by friends orfamily. But if we look around with observant eyes and the motive of a caring heart, we will recognize the opportunities the Lord places in front of us to help others rise up and move toward their true potential. The scriptures suggest, “Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men.”⁹

It is a great source of spiritual power to live lives of integrity and righteousness and to keep our eyes on where we want to be in the eternities. Even if we can see this divine destination only with the eye of faith, it will help us to stay the course.

When our attention is mainly focused on our daily successes or failures, we may lose our way, wander, and fall. Keeping our sights on higher goals will help us become better sons and brothers, kinder fathers, and more loving husbands.