m o v e m e n t

what i’m just now coming to realize is that the difference between the terror and the thrill–that razor-edge that separates the two, is faith.

i remember sending up a particularly vociferous prayer towards the start of the year, which wasn’t so much a prayer as a demand, what do you want from me? what do you want from me? six words i said again and again. six words i angrily flung upward. and the answer came back immediate and clear: more faith.

more faith.

which at the time i thought meant more patience, and patience has never been my virtue.

but now, these many months later, i don’t think it is patience. it’s not about more patience or less patience. it’s about a seed of self-belief. and how that seed is actually a divine thing. it’s about embracing the bits that don’t make any sense. trusting that the story is in fact made by the departures and aberrations. it’s about wonder and curiosity. about moving forward and upward even if the movement is a sort of graceless thrashing about. it’s about clawing and clamoring and dirt beneath the fingernails. it’s about saying i don’t know. and i don’t know. and i don’t know, again. because one day i will. and if one believes that in the end it’ll all work out–even and most especially in the face of overwhelming doubt–than those moments of discomfort and unease and fear are made sweet and holy and wholly lovely by their impermanence.

//Meg Fee//

love is all, from what I've heard

I'm a really old guy, so when I tell you that nothing matters more than love, listen.

I've been wondering a lot lately. I used to think we loved people because we had the best image in mind, we'll love them because they fit the pattern. The more I have experience with love, respect, admiration, the more it has to do with the dropcloth.  The more I love my wife, and don't tell her this because I am in pursuit of urging her to drop some of her bad habits, but I think I love her more for those weird things than for the things that fit the pattern. It is because of who she is, who she uniquely is.  Everything has a pattern in it, an individual instinctual pattern.  In that individuation, it is God.  He is in us, he is somehow really in us.  God's creativity is reflective in our individuality. That is why our individuality matters so. We are bleered, shmeered, smeared with Man's smudge and smell, and it is absolutely beautiful.  How long would it take Salt Lake City, if people left it alone, to come back to the way God intended? I bet in fifty years, you'd have a hard time telling it was there ever.  The world is overused and under-appreciated.  The world resurrects, but sooner or later we're going to die as a result of abusing it. It is not a theological ideal. It's like the way we love, it's real. We genuinely do it. We can't help but respond to the individuality of another person. The nasty and the lovely are inherent in the other.  If you change your perception, it is all there, and that's okay. It's the connectiveness, connectivity that gets me. It's sacramental. Its going everywhere, but its all coming close.

It is ramifying.

//Steven Walker//

June 24.

"Montaigne. The language of the street is always strong. What can describe the folly and emptiness of scolding like the word jawing? I feel too the force of the double negative, though clean contrary to our grammar rules. And I confess to some pleasure from the stinging rhetoric of a rattling oath in the mouth of truckmen and teamsters. How laconic and brisk it is.... cut these words and they would bleed; they are vascular and alive; they walk and run. Moreover, they who speak them have this elegancy, that they do not trip in their speech. It is a shower of bullets, whilst Cambridge men and Yale men correct themselves and begin again at every half sentence . . . "

Two thoughts:
1. I wish my journal entries sounded like Emerson's (above).
2. I love Christmas break, and all the time it brings for me to simply read.
Three more days of twenty-twelve, and I think I'll spend them doing just that.

Thank You

Thank goodness for conference. Thank goodness for institute. Thank goodness for scriptures that fill my soul with light, truth, and hope, no matter what unbearable things continue to go on around us in this world. I stumbled across this scripture when I absolutely needed it (funny how that always seems to happen, isn't it? :) Thank goodness for these truths..

Romans 5: "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor pricipalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 

More than conquerors.  Can you imagine anything more glorious than that?  I absolutely love this; I am so grateful for these words.  I am so grateful for the constant hope and light that I can gain from them in even the most difficult of times.