love is all, from what I've heard

I'm a really old guy, so when I tell you that nothing matters more than love, listen.

I've been wondering a lot lately. I used to think we loved people because we had the best image in mind, we'll love them because they fit the pattern. The more I have experience with love, respect, admiration, the more it has to do with the dropcloth.  The more I love my wife, and don't tell her this because I am in pursuit of urging her to drop some of her bad habits, but I think I love her more for those weird things than for the things that fit the pattern. It is because of who she is, who she uniquely is.  Everything has a pattern in it, an individual instinctual pattern.  In that individuation, it is God.  He is in us, he is somehow really in us.  God's creativity is reflective in our individuality. That is why our individuality matters so. We are bleered, shmeered, smeared with Man's smudge and smell, and it is absolutely beautiful.  How long would it take Salt Lake City, if people left it alone, to come back to the way God intended? I bet in fifty years, you'd have a hard time telling it was there ever.  The world is overused and under-appreciated.  The world resurrects, but sooner or later we're going to die as a result of abusing it. It is not a theological ideal. It's like the way we love, it's real. We genuinely do it. We can't help but respond to the individuality of another person. The nasty and the lovely are inherent in the other.  If you change your perception, it is all there, and that's okay. It's the connectiveness, connectivity that gets me. It's sacramental. Its going everywhere, but its all coming close.

It is ramifying.

//Steven Walker//

Stretching

I find a kind of inexplicable joy in the hard stuff of these years. I love them. I thrive in the challenge. I love what I am learning to live without, on a budget-- saving up every penny for the necessities and cutting out every single thing that I used to take for granted. I never eat out anymore, I haven't bought myself new clothes in months. I pack lunches. I reuse things until they are completely worn out. I wrap presents in brown paper bags. I do my best with meaning and gifts that do not require a lot of cash. Self discipline and restraint cause me to eat everything I buy before it goes bad--I used to not really notice if my lettuce went bad before. Now it is rationed carefully. I have just about no money and yet I am happier than I have been in months. And my time is critically managed, too. I have never felt so balanced in my entire life-- my homework gets done, my grades are better than they have ever been since coming to BYU-- and I still have time to go have fun.  Time with family is rare and relished in. I no longer take holidays for granted-- working them even once takes that out of you. I find joy in the little stuff-- being single is a choice of mine, and I find joy in this chapter of my life. I know time will bring someone fantastic into my life, someone who resonates with me and sparks in me a completely new realm of living.  That all these wonderful people I am meeting that seem to just blend into each other and don't feel right to me-- well they are teaching me things. They are adding flavor to my life-- and none if that is ever a waste of time. There is a fine difference between pickiness and choosiness, and I hope I never fail to recognize that.
There are days where loneliness hits me. But those instances pass. And I have found service as an antidote for all of them.
I don't doubt for one minute that this is a crucial time of preparation for me, and God is aware of me. I have never felt that fact so strongly as I do now. I have never relied upon Him as strongly as I do now.

This year has taught me many things. Here are just a few:
One--- There are miracles everywhere. I do not believe in circumstances nor coincidences. If you have an eye to recognize miracles, coincidences are no longer a reality for you. Your faith makes it so.
Two-- Some days are a little bit too much, and some nights your pillow is wet with wasted tears. You resign to let despondence eat you away. But the morning always comes. It always does. And finding the strength to take one step after these moments is all that matters. Just one.
Three-- I learned what it feels like to have an incredible boy fall in love with you and treat you exactly how you deserve. But life has a cruel way of doing things sometimes, and it wasn't right for me no matter how much I tried to make it so. I learned the excruciating heartache of letting him go.
I learned how to forgive and let go of a different boy who did not know how to treat me, who did not love me in the way I thought I needed. I decided to love him anyway. I took vulnerability and let it strengthen me-- I tried my best to send that love out into the world and let it build me up even though I felt like I was completely falling apart. I am better for it now.
My capacity to love was tested and stretched this year more than ever before in my life. I lost two people very dear to me. But I learned that sometimes you have to know when to walk away. And as hard as that is-- don't look back.
Four-- Debussy is the perfect soundtrack to any rainy day.
Five-- Confidence is the key to giving good shots and putting in IV's! And sometimes, people just have crappy veins!
Six-- If you have the choice between sleeping in or getting up and going to power yoga-- go to yoga.
Seven-- I think God is patient with our progress. And so should we be. Furthermore-- we should be patient with the progress of others as well.

I could think of a lot more but that is about all of the time I have allotted myself to procrastinate my deathly pharmacology homework.... I digress.

In Which my Philosophies on Dating are Explained

Take this for what it is you guys, I am just a girl who is in the midst of the Provo dating scene and I definitely don't have everything figured out just yet (nor do I think I ever will!). What works for me might not work for other people...I also might add that like most of the general population, I am horrible at following my own advice. That being said, I hope you enjoy reading this! Aaaand here we go:

1. If a guy is interested in you, he'll make it happen. Too often I see girls (and I used to find myself in this trap, as well), who are just convinced that they should fight to make it happen with a guy, or wait around for copious amounts of time to see if it happens. Fight for his attention, make themselves known, "bump" into him at random times to try and get themselves noticed (although this one DID work for Elaine S. Dalton, apparently-- she openly admitted to memorizing her crush's [and future husband's] schedule).
I am a firm believer that if a guy is interested, you'll know. He will call you up and invite you places. He will make an effort to text you back. He will find and make time for you to be in his life. If he's not, if you even question that due to his "negligent" behavior, he's probably just not that into you. And you know what? That's okay. I think the initial ball is in the guy's court on this one. After he makes an effort and you know he's interested, ladies, you need to put in some work too. But initially, the guy has to be the one to get the ball rollin'.

2. Honesty is the best policy. Don't string people along. Don't allow people to string you along, either. This only ends in frustration and hurt. The best way is to be perfectly upfront about how you are feeling. If you just aren't feeling it, tell them. If you are confused about your feelings, tell them. If you are smitten, tell them. We are all adults, right? Handle it that way. If you aren't interested, don't just ignore them and hope that the thing resolves itself out. I have talked to several guys on this one, and they all have told me that they would rather a girl be honest about telling them they are not interested sooner than later, and the same goes for girls. Just be kind and tactful about the way you do it.

3. The First Date Rule: I have heard so many girls say that they have a "first date rule." This means that they believe it is important to give every guy who asks them out a chance. I disagree with this rule in my own life, but I do think it has its place. If I am totally not interested up front, I am not going to say yes to the first date. I just don't feel it is fair to waste a guy's time and money if you ABSOLUTELY know that it isn't going to go anywhere. If you aren't sure, and are sitting on the fence about it, then yes, give them a chance. You might be surprised what you find.

Here's another thing: too many times I have seen girls take this rule Too. Far.
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is to hear a girl say, "I'm not interested, but I am going to go out with him anyway. Free dinner, right?" 
Girls, STOP! If you're leaving on a mission anytime soon and aren't looking for anything at the moment, if for any reason you really don't see it ever happening, why are you wasting this guy's time and cash? This is low. If I hear any girl say this again in the future I will really have to resist the urge to slap her right square on the nasal concha.

4. Don't be Fooled by the Aggregation Effect: So many people around, so many with several fabulous qualities and quirks and talents and characteristics-- it fools you into thinking there's one out there that possesses all of those things.
 Don't fall prey to this. It is very easy to do, especially when meeting new people is plentiful in places such as college towns. As Elder Holland puts it, and I am paraphrasing, but there is no perfect person out there, and if there was, they certainly would have no interest in you! Keep an open mind. It is important to explore, but try not to pass up someone wonderful in search of that perfect person who does not exist. 

5. Exclusive dating does not have to mean marriage:  Yes, only date people with qualities you want your future spouse to have, but stop being so chicken about getting exclusive. Just because you are exclusive with a guy or girl does not mean you have to marry them. You are supposed to be exploring and learning and moving forward... so stop freaking out. (This is easier said than done, especially for me:)

6. Think of the current moment as the goal:  Yes, it's important to be thinking of your future and looking forward to it. But if you are sitting there on the first date and starting to think how great that guy is going to look in a tux at your wedding, then you are taking it too far. I have found that it works wonders to think of the current moment as the goal. If you are on a first, second, third date with someone, don't pattern your thoughts too far ahead. Enjoy the moment, lighten up, and have fun. Don't pester your mind with thoughts about whether or not you think he'll ask you out tomorrow, or whether she is "the one." Keep yourself balanced and enjoy the moment you are spending together!

7. Do your own thing, and don't judge Everybody else for the way they do theirs: When I volunteered abroad for a few months, there was a small bout of time when a rumor got taken too far and everybody in the facebooking world thought that This guy and I were engaged:

It was funny, but it kind of disturbed me how many people believed I could fall for a guy in only 3 short months. I believe in four seasons and a road trip, you guys. But a lot of people I know are happily married and only dated a few short months. I guess what I am trying to say is, it may not be your style, (it isn't mine), but don't look down upon or judge others if they are doing it differently than you. Also, don't let other people's opinions stop you from doing what you feel is right.

8. Enjoy It: If you are single and find yourself feeling unwanted, or pressured, stop. Don't be in such a hurry. Your worth is not dependent upon how many Friday nights are booked up with dates. This is a fabulous time of life. Enjoy it! If your dating life is not going exactly the way you'd like it to (I am sure this sums up about 90% of the single young adult population), do whatever you can that is in your control, and then simply let the rest go.


I am definitely interested to hear any opinions on this, do you disagree or agree with what I have said? What are YOUR philosophies on dating? Anything you think I should touch upon or you would like to add? Biggest dating pet peeves? There are so many different philosophies out there and I certainly have an interest in what you have to say:) Thanks for reading!

drifting

I have been fighting that feeling a lot lately. The drifting. It is an empty feeling, one that you know the solution to, but for some reason it's more difficult than you expected and instead of doing something to change course you choose to just
drift along.
Well, let the records show--- I'm tired of drifting.


The more I think, the more I feel that by not engaging in daily serious study of the word, sincere prayer and contemplation- by not visiting or "checking in" with that very being who created all things-- it is not solely an offense to Him, but even personally, an offense to ourselves.
By not taking the time out of your busy life to focus and align your will with His you are essentially saying that you don't need Him. You hold up your tiny head and go forward thinking you can rely on your own strength for the day. All things of the spiritual sense weaken within you, even if just slightly.
But that slightly turns into more
and more
and over time you are eroded; your resolve,
your character, your very soul has begun to waste away.
Significantly.
Suddenly you begin to realize that you have no chance on your own to overcome the natural man, not without His help, never without His help. Of course, you knew this all along. But what you didn't know was how easy this was to forget...

I feel that when I do not stay attuned with the spirit, I have no way of telling which thoughts or impulses or words or attitudes or ideas come from Him or from the influence of the world... It is as if I set out for a trip on my sailboat without taking the time to actually put on the sails.

{Our Heavenly Father did not launch us on our eternal journey without providing the means whereby we could receive from Him God-given guidance to assist in our safe return at the end of mortal life. I speak of prayer. I speak too of the whisperings from that still, small voice within each of us, and I do not overlook the holy scriptures, written by mariners who successfully sailed the seas we too must cross. -President Thomas S. Monson}

Let the records show, I'm tired of drifting.

On Expectations

I wandered into an old bookshop today.
I had passed this particular shop every day for several months, always in a hurry and moving along to the next thing to check off my endless to-do list. I was charmed by the idea of this place, though, and I consequently dreamed up what it would be like when I was finally able to venture inside. I live for moments like that.
Today proved the perfect opportunity. Walking home in solitude on this grey day, after reading a book of great depth and I was lost in my mind. Moods such as this cause my mind to weave thoughts in ways that would sound strange in casual conversation. It works for me.

I opened the door and stepped inside-- and was immediately disappointed. The thing was in disrepair, books scarcely covered the cheap shelves. Instead of an old secret tucked away in the form of a corner bookstore I found a cheap, empty little room and not even a place to sit down.  I was sorely disappointed.

I left quickly and my mind dissected the situation. How long I had anticipated this small moment--fabricating in my head the way it would be, walking in and discovering a gem. Breathing in the old books lining old shelves and of course taking advantage of the many niches to choose from to soak it all in, one book at a time. I do this all the time, envisioning how I think something is going to pan out.
Granted, there are many moments that live up to your expectations, even exceed them, and these are wonderful. But what I have really found is that I am quite the daydreamer, and I tend to build things up so much that when they finally come, they never quite measure up to the idea I had formulated for them in my mind. Exhibit A:

The truth of it, at least for me, is this: the moments that end up really meaning something in my life are usually the ones that take me totally off guard. I am talking about those moments that hit you on some idle Tuesday, taking you completely aback and casting a brilliant myriad of color into your life--unexpectedly.
And the other truth that I have come to realize is that, as Richard L. Evans puts it, maybe we should stop trying to force a life. Perhaps the one offered to us is just as full of joy, it's pigments just as bright-- just not what we expected.

I am still going to dream, and anticipate things in my life--that's just the way I work. But I think instead of being disappointed in their not measuring up, I will just enjoy those moments for what they are. There are more than enough bookstores left out there for me to explore. The trick is to enjoy those spaces in-between. That is the substance of a life. The tiny little moments throughout a day-- the boring, mundane routine of days-- the brilliant instances of unexpected splendor. Together these weave a life, and whatever that means mine will entail, I choose to open my heart and enjoy it.

In the words of Steven Walker: Expect nothing and strive for everything. You'll never be dissatisfied.

Thank You

Thank goodness for conference. Thank goodness for institute. Thank goodness for scriptures that fill my soul with light, truth, and hope, no matter what unbearable things continue to go on around us in this world. I stumbled across this scripture when I absolutely needed it (funny how that always seems to happen, isn't it? :) Thank goodness for these truths..

Romans 5: "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor pricipalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 

More than conquerors.  Can you imagine anything more glorious than that?  I absolutely love this; I am so grateful for these words.  I am so grateful for the constant hope and light that I can gain from them in even the most difficult of times.