m o v e m e n t

what i’m just now coming to realize is that the difference between the terror and the thrill–that razor-edge that separates the two, is faith.

i remember sending up a particularly vociferous prayer towards the start of the year, which wasn’t so much a prayer as a demand, what do you want from me? what do you want from me? six words i said again and again. six words i angrily flung upward. and the answer came back immediate and clear: more faith.

more faith.

which at the time i thought meant more patience, and patience has never been my virtue.

but now, these many months later, i don’t think it is patience. it’s not about more patience or less patience. it’s about a seed of self-belief. and how that seed is actually a divine thing. it’s about embracing the bits that don’t make any sense. trusting that the story is in fact made by the departures and aberrations. it’s about wonder and curiosity. about moving forward and upward even if the movement is a sort of graceless thrashing about. it’s about clawing and clamoring and dirt beneath the fingernails. it’s about saying i don’t know. and i don’t know. and i don’t know, again. because one day i will. and if one believes that in the end it’ll all work out–even and most especially in the face of overwhelming doubt–than those moments of discomfort and unease and fear are made sweet and holy and wholly lovely by their impermanence.

//Meg Fee//

In Which my Philosophies on Dating are Explained

Take this for what it is you guys, I am just a girl who is in the midst of the Provo dating scene and I definitely don't have everything figured out just yet (nor do I think I ever will!). What works for me might not work for other people...I also might add that like most of the general population, I am horrible at following my own advice. That being said, I hope you enjoy reading this! Aaaand here we go:

1. If a guy is interested in you, he'll make it happen. Too often I see girls (and I used to find myself in this trap, as well), who are just convinced that they should fight to make it happen with a guy, or wait around for copious amounts of time to see if it happens. Fight for his attention, make themselves known, "bump" into him at random times to try and get themselves noticed (although this one DID work for Elaine S. Dalton, apparently-- she openly admitted to memorizing her crush's [and future husband's] schedule).
I am a firm believer that if a guy is interested, you'll know. He will call you up and invite you places. He will make an effort to text you back. He will find and make time for you to be in his life. If he's not, if you even question that due to his "negligent" behavior, he's probably just not that into you. And you know what? That's okay. I think the initial ball is in the guy's court on this one. After he makes an effort and you know he's interested, ladies, you need to put in some work too. But initially, the guy has to be the one to get the ball rollin'.

2. Honesty is the best policy. Don't string people along. Don't allow people to string you along, either. This only ends in frustration and hurt. The best way is to be perfectly upfront about how you are feeling. If you just aren't feeling it, tell them. If you are confused about your feelings, tell them. If you are smitten, tell them. We are all adults, right? Handle it that way. If you aren't interested, don't just ignore them and hope that the thing resolves itself out. I have talked to several guys on this one, and they all have told me that they would rather a girl be honest about telling them they are not interested sooner than later, and the same goes for girls. Just be kind and tactful about the way you do it.

3. The First Date Rule: I have heard so many girls say that they have a "first date rule." This means that they believe it is important to give every guy who asks them out a chance. I disagree with this rule in my own life, but I do think it has its place. If I am totally not interested up front, I am not going to say yes to the first date. I just don't feel it is fair to waste a guy's time and money if you ABSOLUTELY know that it isn't going to go anywhere. If you aren't sure, and are sitting on the fence about it, then yes, give them a chance. You might be surprised what you find.

Here's another thing: too many times I have seen girls take this rule Too. Far.
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is to hear a girl say, "I'm not interested, but I am going to go out with him anyway. Free dinner, right?" 
Girls, STOP! If you're leaving on a mission anytime soon and aren't looking for anything at the moment, if for any reason you really don't see it ever happening, why are you wasting this guy's time and cash? This is low. If I hear any girl say this again in the future I will really have to resist the urge to slap her right square on the nasal concha.

4. Don't be Fooled by the Aggregation Effect: So many people around, so many with several fabulous qualities and quirks and talents and characteristics-- it fools you into thinking there's one out there that possesses all of those things.
 Don't fall prey to this. It is very easy to do, especially when meeting new people is plentiful in places such as college towns. As Elder Holland puts it, and I am paraphrasing, but there is no perfect person out there, and if there was, they certainly would have no interest in you! Keep an open mind. It is important to explore, but try not to pass up someone wonderful in search of that perfect person who does not exist. 

5. Exclusive dating does not have to mean marriage:  Yes, only date people with qualities you want your future spouse to have, but stop being so chicken about getting exclusive. Just because you are exclusive with a guy or girl does not mean you have to marry them. You are supposed to be exploring and learning and moving forward... so stop freaking out. (This is easier said than done, especially for me:)

6. Think of the current moment as the goal:  Yes, it's important to be thinking of your future and looking forward to it. But if you are sitting there on the first date and starting to think how great that guy is going to look in a tux at your wedding, then you are taking it too far. I have found that it works wonders to think of the current moment as the goal. If you are on a first, second, third date with someone, don't pattern your thoughts too far ahead. Enjoy the moment, lighten up, and have fun. Don't pester your mind with thoughts about whether or not you think he'll ask you out tomorrow, or whether she is "the one." Keep yourself balanced and enjoy the moment you are spending together!

7. Do your own thing, and don't judge Everybody else for the way they do theirs: When I volunteered abroad for a few months, there was a small bout of time when a rumor got taken too far and everybody in the facebooking world thought that This guy and I were engaged:

It was funny, but it kind of disturbed me how many people believed I could fall for a guy in only 3 short months. I believe in four seasons and a road trip, you guys. But a lot of people I know are happily married and only dated a few short months. I guess what I am trying to say is, it may not be your style, (it isn't mine), but don't look down upon or judge others if they are doing it differently than you. Also, don't let other people's opinions stop you from doing what you feel is right.

8. Enjoy It: If you are single and find yourself feeling unwanted, or pressured, stop. Don't be in such a hurry. Your worth is not dependent upon how many Friday nights are booked up with dates. This is a fabulous time of life. Enjoy it! If your dating life is not going exactly the way you'd like it to (I am sure this sums up about 90% of the single young adult population), do whatever you can that is in your control, and then simply let the rest go.


I am definitely interested to hear any opinions on this, do you disagree or agree with what I have said? What are YOUR philosophies on dating? Anything you think I should touch upon or you would like to add? Biggest dating pet peeves? There are so many different philosophies out there and I certainly have an interest in what you have to say:) Thanks for reading!

Things I Love

words like dalliance and demure. nicknames. new music. moose tracks ice cream. an old book. full reign of the piano in an empty house. singing in the shower at the top of your lungs. hearing someone else sing in the shower at the top of their lungs. playing just dance with the roomies. spelling things the European way. a travel itinerary. snowmobiling and hot chocolate at Cair Paravel. being with my family, when we are all together at one time. spontaneity. the smell of lavender. dryer sheets. anything breakfast. jogging in a spring rain. new shoes. getting an A on that test. general conference. endorphins. painted toes. mittens. the first day of spring (even if it is snowing, utah). zions. cooking in the kitchen with the music turned up in the company of good friends. the temple. the anticipation. being told you are a good kisser. driving with the windows down. buying your very own first car. sleeping in. climbing to the top. falling asleep to the rain. Easter sunday. calligraphy. colors. getting letters. special occasions. the singing voice of my dad. power zumba night. the sound of foreign languages. making it to the top of that rock wall. paris in the rain. the strumming of a guitar. campfires. summer nights. that feeling after the gym when your calves are so sore you can barely walk--you know you worked hard. the color blue. calla lilies. skinny dipping. renting puppies. colored pens. shooting stars when you least expect them. dandelion crowns on little girls. locking eyes with that guy across the room. realizing that you can move on. the empowerment you feel after standing up for yourself. vulnerability. kindred spirits. sunrises. first dam. late night talks. the breath before the kiss. waking up just before your alarm. chocolate milk. fall leaves. yogurtland. road trips. having a child fall asleep in your arms. horseback riding. street markets. the hbl library. midnight premiers. ticking clocks. backpacking. old photographs. a brand new, empty journal. harmonizing. poetry. candlelight. mix cd's. payday. temple square. soccer. sunflower fields. prelude on a swedish folk song. libraries. laughter. the feeling just before the roller coaster drops. the sound and smell of the beach. mourning doves. summer concerts on the grass. christmas morning. twinkle lights. sundays off. the smell of freshly cut grass. slurpees. the first day of school. that first snow. the sound of crickets. lock bridges. stone fireplaces. sunday dinner. aspen trees. just to name a few <3

On Expectations

I wandered into an old bookshop today.
I had passed this particular shop every day for several months, always in a hurry and moving along to the next thing to check off my endless to-do list. I was charmed by the idea of this place, though, and I consequently dreamed up what it would be like when I was finally able to venture inside. I live for moments like that.
Today proved the perfect opportunity. Walking home in solitude on this grey day, after reading a book of great depth and I was lost in my mind. Moods such as this cause my mind to weave thoughts in ways that would sound strange in casual conversation. It works for me.

I opened the door and stepped inside-- and was immediately disappointed. The thing was in disrepair, books scarcely covered the cheap shelves. Instead of an old secret tucked away in the form of a corner bookstore I found a cheap, empty little room and not even a place to sit down.  I was sorely disappointed.

I left quickly and my mind dissected the situation. How long I had anticipated this small moment--fabricating in my head the way it would be, walking in and discovering a gem. Breathing in the old books lining old shelves and of course taking advantage of the many niches to choose from to soak it all in, one book at a time. I do this all the time, envisioning how I think something is going to pan out.
Granted, there are many moments that live up to your expectations, even exceed them, and these are wonderful. But what I have really found is that I am quite the daydreamer, and I tend to build things up so much that when they finally come, they never quite measure up to the idea I had formulated for them in my mind. Exhibit A:

The truth of it, at least for me, is this: the moments that end up really meaning something in my life are usually the ones that take me totally off guard. I am talking about those moments that hit you on some idle Tuesday, taking you completely aback and casting a brilliant myriad of color into your life--unexpectedly.
And the other truth that I have come to realize is that, as Richard L. Evans puts it, maybe we should stop trying to force a life. Perhaps the one offered to us is just as full of joy, it's pigments just as bright-- just not what we expected.

I am still going to dream, and anticipate things in my life--that's just the way I work. But I think instead of being disappointed in their not measuring up, I will just enjoy those moments for what they are. There are more than enough bookstores left out there for me to explore. The trick is to enjoy those spaces in-between. That is the substance of a life. The tiny little moments throughout a day-- the boring, mundane routine of days-- the brilliant instances of unexpected splendor. Together these weave a life, and whatever that means mine will entail, I choose to open my heart and enjoy it.

In the words of Steven Walker: Expect nothing and strive for everything. You'll never be dissatisfied.