My thoughts from 2013: Mediocrity

I am a mediocre person.  I do not say that in a way to belittle my worth or put out a cry for validation--  no.  

I speak simply- in truth I am not that extraordinary, I feel like a babe among giants as I stumble my way clumsily through this whole nursing school experience-- surrounded by some of the most put together, brilliant, ridiculously intelligent people I have ever met in my life.  They inspire me more than anyone, it is thrilling to be surrounded by such remarkable human beings, constantly. There is nothing else like it. The energy they inspire is indescribable. And they frustrate the heck out of me, too. But that's okay.

Every day I question if I am really cut out for this and every day I receive a push upwards, a small confirming whisper that I can, that I will.  And then they come, tender mercies usually manifest through the people who surround me, the people closest to me in my life (thank goodness for them). And something in me decides to keep going.

A good friend of mine explained to me the other day that the word mediocre actually has roots that translate to "halfway up a mountain."

Well?

I think I'll keep that idea. :) I am halfway up a mountain! I feel battered and beaten up but I am looking up... and even mediocre people can find their way to the top sometime if they keep trudging along, however feebly that may be, with a small smidgeon of hope and a ferocity unparalleled.

So this is what I have chosen. To dedicate the next two years of my life to learning The Healer's Art.   So this whole running on 5 hours of sleep and working long hours and living in the Harold B. Lee library and hardly having time to breathe thing, well, I think I'll keep at it. This is a remarkable time of life and as HARD as it is, I love it. Sure, I'm barely standing, but truth be told:
 I love it.

So let it be known, I am a mediocre person.

And you know?

I'm okay with that. 

on letting go

Maybe he has taught you all he can about yourself. Maybe you should tuck that away. Maybe you should let that knowledge surround you 

and then let go.  

Realize that

it is what it is. 

Realize that

that's okay.

. . .

June 24.

"Montaigne. The language of the street is always strong. What can describe the folly and emptiness of scolding like the word jawing? I feel too the force of the double negative, though clean contrary to our grammar rules. And I confess to some pleasure from the stinging rhetoric of a rattling oath in the mouth of truckmen and teamsters. How laconic and brisk it is.... cut these words and they would bleed; they are vascular and alive; they walk and run. Moreover, they who speak them have this elegancy, that they do not trip in their speech. It is a shower of bullets, whilst Cambridge men and Yale men correct themselves and begin again at every half sentence . . . "

Two thoughts:
1. I wish my journal entries sounded like Emerson's (above).
2. I love Christmas break, and all the time it brings for me to simply read.
Three more days of twenty-twelve, and I think I'll spend them doing just that.

December 9th, 2012: "New Words"

 

A few years ago Brian Stokes Mitchell came and sang with the Mo Tab and performed this song during the concert, and it has definitely become on of my favorite songs during this time of year, even though it has nothing to do with Christmas.

This is the only version of this video I could find on YouTube, and it also happens to be the corniest thing I have come across all week. Complete with cheese-fest slideshow and everything. You know you love those. Perfection!

But seriously, guys, I have his Christmas CD in my car right now, and every time this song comes on, I turn into a total cheese ball and cry. I love it so much. This lullaby is so beautiful, and he performed it so passionately, I just eat that stuff up. Especially at 2:54....gets me every time.

I get overwhelmed that I have such incredible parents who raised me to know love well, because I witnessed it every single day in my home, and still do. And I hope I can pass just an inkling of that on someday.

In Which My Finals-week Coping Mechanisms are Revealed

Finals week does things to you. It messes with your mind, as you grapple with the identity crisis-es that arise from believing that your self-worth is defined by a letter grade, one which depends majorly upon that single, terrifying, heinously comprehensive final exam. The air on campus is so thick right now it is almost laughable. But not really, because it's finals week. Not funny.

Every semester, it seems that I find a different coping mechanism. 

One semester, I coped by listening to the soundtrack of the Kiera Knightly version of "Pride and Prejudice" every waking moment (Seriously, is it even possible to not feel relaxed when listening to that gorgeous stuff? I submit that it is not).

Last semester, my roommates and I coped by watching Julian Smith videos on repeat until we all gave up and went to bed (this was a nightly ritual). 

But this semester's coping mechanism has completely taken me off guard! As many of you know, my subconscious self is not exactly the kindest person whilst sleeping. Just ask my dear old roommate Mallory, and she will tell you many a story of how kind I was to her when I was disturbed from my slumber. It is rare that I remember these instances, but I have many witnesses that will profess this truth: if you wake me up while I am trying to sleep, I am not a nice person. I will yell things at you, hit the wall, groan obnoxiously, etcetera, etcetera. I will wake up in the morning completely myself again with no recollection as to what happened the previous night. Awesome, right? Subconsciously, I am a total jerk. Great.

This semester, a new problem has arisen. My subconscious has resorted to swearing. In German. In my sleep.

My roommate informed me of this behavior this morning.
Um.
I did not see that one coming.
Why yes, it is quite obvious here that my subconscious is super classy.
Major brownie points when you have a brand-new roommate, too.
I will be honest here in saying I have never developed a swearing problem in my life. Trust me people, for some reason it has never been a problem for me (minus one small bout of it last semester during finals week, but I completely blame Andrew for that ;) 

I will now proceed to go cram some more Microbiology into my brain. Tomorrow, I am going to try and resort to some other stress-relievers, such as, actually going to the gym, dark chocolate, more pride and prejudice, and puppies.

(No, seriously, tomorrow is puppy day. Kaitlyn and I are literally renting a puppy, and I could not be more excited! Hopefully some good ol' quality puppy-time will help lower my cortisol levels and keep me sleeping soundly and kindly and sober-ly. We will see!)

Good night all! Here are some pinterest gems, for your viewing pleasure:

I think we can all relate to that.

Backwards. Got it.

Sorry, the words are kind of blurry, here is what they say:

Up for the challenge
We have to know WHAT?!
Trying... to grasp... concept...
Is this going to last forever??
During the test...
Test conquered.


Perfection. :) Good luck on your finals everyone! Hopefully you have some healthier ways to handle the stress of this week.