On Getting Hit-on Constantly, by 80 year-old men.

Old man #1: "Hey, you date?"

 ---"Yeah, nobody in particular at the moment but I do date.."

"Well... you are great at what you do, and you're cute. If I was 35 years younger, I'd date you."

Old man #2: "Me Too! I'd take you for a ride up the canyon in my Monster Truck, if I still had it," 
(Side note: this man is a pathological liar, and it is extremely entertaining. There is no way of really knowing if he actually did own a monster truck, but he definitely sparred with Chuck Norris and was a millionaire, and also snuck onto a submarine in the War and has broken every bone in his body and slept with over 100,000 women at one point of his life. He also somehow manages to live life with only a left ventricle and one lung, and is on first-name basis with Mitt Romney. So don't you worry about it.)

#1: "Yeah, I'd take you for rides outside just to show you off."
#2: "I would be totally respectful, and I mean I wouldn't rape you or anything, we'd just go for a nice ride up the canyon in my monster truck..."

Things quickly got awkward. Let's move on.

I had a good laugh, and thanks, I really am flattered. In a, when your grandma pinches your cheek and tells you you are adorable, kind of way.

Well driving home was fun too. Got hit on by two extremely attractive guys in the car next to me at a red light. Now, these situations are fun, but let's talk about what happens in my head vs what actually happens:

Exhibit A:

 Except Vice Versa, as I am a female, not Rowan Atkinson. But you get the point.

"Hey! You're cute. What's your name? ...You should text me,
but not while driving.." (People, I was at a red light. There is no shame in texting at a red light. And this text was extremely important. but not important enough to keep me from talking back to these two striking young men)

So, naturally I act cool..
Which translates to,

I act like an idiot.

They ask for my number.
Light turns green.
I "cooly" tell them my number as I drive away, hair blowing in the wind, music turned up..
Which translates to,

nervously mumble-yelling my number in a loud voice as I totally floor it, barely giving them a chance to hear the "eight-oh-one!" (this reaction played out a lot smoother in my head 0.2 seconds before it actually happened)

Smooth move, kait. Smooth. Move. At least it makes for a good story though. (Cue thinking of really smooth things I could have said 5 minutes after it happened)

Afterwards I decide I need another red light so I can finish my important text message, which naturally means that in the first time in 10 months I hit EVERY single light on University Parkway green, which for anyone who has ever lived in Provo will tell you, that is a straight-out Christmas MIRACLE. 

Oh, and I then witnessed a three-car pileup 20 feet in front of me at an intersection.


Good day.


Back to the 80-year olds. It is nice that you wish to date me and show me off,  thank you for the compliment, but tell that to the 21 year olds my age. I mean, I have won the hearts of plenty an 80-year old, but things get a little complicated when we narrow things down to my actual generation. Now this is partly my fault, because I actually really enjoy the single life, perhaps a little too much at times...

...but sometimes you do wonder. Come on fella, you can hurry it up a bit can't you? I'm pretty fine waiting, but you know. I am almost 22, ("oh no, heaven forbid," says delusional provo), so everyone back home thinks that I am going down the cat-lady path. (Which if I do go down that path, I would totally choose goats over cats).

For now, I'll just take the compliments for what they are. Look, sir, I am sorry but I am just here to give you your pills, and there is also kind of a huge age gap. 

Laughter is good for the soul, and these moments somehow never get old for me.  Pun Definitely Intended.

Good Day.

Things I Love

words like dalliance and demure. nicknames. new music. moose tracks ice cream. an old book. full reign of the piano in an empty house. singing in the shower at the top of your lungs. hearing someone else sing in the shower at the top of their lungs. playing just dance with the roomies. spelling things the European way. a travel itinerary. snowmobiling and hot chocolate at Cair Paravel. being with my family, when we are all together at one time. spontaneity. the smell of lavender. dryer sheets. anything breakfast. jogging in a spring rain. new shoes. getting an A on that test. general conference. endorphins. painted toes. mittens. the first day of spring (even if it is snowing, utah). zions. cooking in the kitchen with the music turned up in the company of good friends. the temple. the anticipation. being told you are a good kisser. driving with the windows down. buying your very own first car. sleeping in. climbing to the top. falling asleep to the rain. Easter sunday. calligraphy. colors. getting letters. special occasions. the singing voice of my dad. power zumba night. the sound of foreign languages. making it to the top of that rock wall. paris in the rain. the strumming of a guitar. campfires. summer nights. that feeling after the gym when your calves are so sore you can barely walk--you know you worked hard. the color blue. calla lilies. skinny dipping. renting puppies. colored pens. shooting stars when you least expect them. dandelion crowns on little girls. locking eyes with that guy across the room. realizing that you can move on. the empowerment you feel after standing up for yourself. vulnerability. kindred spirits. sunrises. first dam. late night talks. the breath before the kiss. waking up just before your alarm. chocolate milk. fall leaves. yogurtland. road trips. having a child fall asleep in your arms. horseback riding. street markets. the hbl library. midnight premiers. ticking clocks. backpacking. old photographs. a brand new, empty journal. harmonizing. poetry. candlelight. mix cd's. payday. temple square. soccer. sunflower fields. prelude on a swedish folk song. libraries. laughter. the feeling just before the roller coaster drops. the sound and smell of the beach. mourning doves. summer concerts on the grass. christmas morning. twinkle lights. sundays off. the smell of freshly cut grass. slurpees. the first day of school. that first snow. the sound of crickets. lock bridges. stone fireplaces. sunday dinner. aspen trees. just to name a few <3

Pretty Much

 

This pretty much sums up my life lately.

Maaaaybe even applies to the last 4 months of my life.

Or something.

This post really has no beneficial value other than the fact that getting that idea out into the

cyber world somehow makes me feel a little bit better.

Good thing it is general conference.

Spiritual Endorphins make a world of a difference, you know?

And that's really all I have to say.

On Expectations

I wandered into an old bookshop today.
I had passed this particular shop every day for several months, always in a hurry and moving along to the next thing to check off my endless to-do list. I was charmed by the idea of this place, though, and I consequently dreamed up what it would be like when I was finally able to venture inside. I live for moments like that.
Today proved the perfect opportunity. Walking home in solitude on this grey day, after reading a book of great depth and I was lost in my mind. Moods such as this cause my mind to weave thoughts in ways that would sound strange in casual conversation. It works for me.

I opened the door and stepped inside-- and was immediately disappointed. The thing was in disrepair, books scarcely covered the cheap shelves. Instead of an old secret tucked away in the form of a corner bookstore I found a cheap, empty little room and not even a place to sit down.  I was sorely disappointed.

I left quickly and my mind dissected the situation. How long I had anticipated this small moment--fabricating in my head the way it would be, walking in and discovering a gem. Breathing in the old books lining old shelves and of course taking advantage of the many niches to choose from to soak it all in, one book at a time. I do this all the time, envisioning how I think something is going to pan out.
Granted, there are many moments that live up to your expectations, even exceed them, and these are wonderful. But what I have really found is that I am quite the daydreamer, and I tend to build things up so much that when they finally come, they never quite measure up to the idea I had formulated for them in my mind. Exhibit A:

The truth of it, at least for me, is this: the moments that end up really meaning something in my life are usually the ones that take me totally off guard. I am talking about those moments that hit you on some idle Tuesday, taking you completely aback and casting a brilliant myriad of color into your life--unexpectedly.
And the other truth that I have come to realize is that, as Richard L. Evans puts it, maybe we should stop trying to force a life. Perhaps the one offered to us is just as full of joy, it's pigments just as bright-- just not what we expected.

I am still going to dream, and anticipate things in my life--that's just the way I work. But I think instead of being disappointed in their not measuring up, I will just enjoy those moments for what they are. There are more than enough bookstores left out there for me to explore. The trick is to enjoy those spaces in-between. That is the substance of a life. The tiny little moments throughout a day-- the boring, mundane routine of days-- the brilliant instances of unexpected splendor. Together these weave a life, and whatever that means mine will entail, I choose to open my heart and enjoy it.

In the words of Steven Walker: Expect nothing and strive for everything. You'll never be dissatisfied.

My thoughts from 2013: Mediocrity

I am a mediocre person.  I do not say that in a way to belittle my worth or put out a cry for validation--  no.  

I speak simply- in truth I am not that extraordinary, I feel like a babe among giants as I stumble my way clumsily through this whole nursing school experience-- surrounded by some of the most put together, brilliant, ridiculously intelligent people I have ever met in my life.  They inspire me more than anyone, it is thrilling to be surrounded by such remarkable human beings, constantly. There is nothing else like it. The energy they inspire is indescribable. And they frustrate the heck out of me, too. But that's okay.

Every day I question if I am really cut out for this and every day I receive a push upwards, a small confirming whisper that I can, that I will.  And then they come, tender mercies usually manifest through the people who surround me, the people closest to me in my life (thank goodness for them). And something in me decides to keep going.

A good friend of mine explained to me the other day that the word mediocre actually has roots that translate to "halfway up a mountain."

Well?

I think I'll keep that idea. :) I am halfway up a mountain! I feel battered and beaten up but I am looking up... and even mediocre people can find their way to the top sometime if they keep trudging along, however feebly that may be, with a small smidgeon of hope and a ferocity unparalleled.

So this is what I have chosen. To dedicate the next two years of my life to learning The Healer's Art.   So this whole running on 5 hours of sleep and working long hours and living in the Harold B. Lee library and hardly having time to breathe thing, well, I think I'll keep at it. This is a remarkable time of life and as HARD as it is, I love it. Sure, I'm barely standing, but truth be told:
 I love it.

So let it be known, I am a mediocre person.

And you know?

I'm okay with that.